Where's the war?

During my meditation over the last few days I've started a little practice where I gently ask myself, 'where's the war?' and I'm finding it very enlightening. 
 

I've found that, almost always, there will be a war.  There will be somewhere where inside myself where I'm struggling, disagreeing, criticizing, or talking my way out of thoughts or feelings I am having.  Sometimes the 'war' appears as words and sometimes as a crunching feeling in my stomach, or a clenching feeling throughout my body. 
 

For example, I might notice that I have a pain in my back.  'Is there any war here?' I ask myself.  Then I notice a cramping feeling around the pain. It's a feeling that I don't want this pain but also feel like it's my fault that it's there. The text of the 'war' goes: 'If I was a better meditator I wouldn't have this pain. What am I doing wrong in my meditation?  Why can't I just get it?'
 

'Oh, OK,' I note to myself.  'There's the war.  I have this pain - I don't want it, and I blame myself for having it.'
 

Then, I try to bring some loving kindness to this war.  Not to make the war go away, but just to extend some compassion towards myself for having it.  'Wow...it sure is hard having this war going on.  I don't think this is my fault.  It's just hard - to see it, to feel it, to notice it.'
 

And I keep going like this - gently asking myself where the war is, and when I see it, bringing some loving kindness to it.
 

Bringing the loving kindness often attracts its own little war.  This little battle goes: 'You idiot!  You shouldn't be showing yourself kindness for having all these terrible, warring, criticizing feelings! You soft fool...you need to FIX this...'
 

If I notice this war, I just bring attention to it in the same way, 'Oh...a little war saying I shouldn't be feeling kindness towards myself.  Wow...it can be tough having these wars.  I'm sure this isn't my fault...'
 

And on it goes...I just follow the trail of thoughts and feelings.  Noticing the war...feeling lovingkindness...noticing the battle...bringing compassion. 

Stealth Metta

Metta Bhavana is a type of Buddhist meditation that involves sending loving kindness to ourselves and all sentient beings.  In Pali (the language the Buddha spoke), metta means love, or lovingkindness, and bhavana is the word for cultivation - so this is a meditation on cultivating loving kindness.

I really like the use of the word 'cultivation.'  Its use shows that the Buddha came from an agrarian culture, where people related easily to language linked to their livelihoods. I think it's also a very gentle way to describe a meditation practice; we just plant the seeds, till the soil, water the plants, and protect them from harm, and one day we'll have some delicious food to eat!  It can feel awkward if we try to force feelings of lovingkindness, but this meditation encourages us to just take it slowly -  dropping a few small seeds of kindness and compassion into the soil at one time.

Metta Bhavana usually consists of sending loving kindness to yourself, then to a loved person, a neutral person, a person you have difficulties with, and finally, the whole world.  This is a link to a free audio podcast of a guided Loving Kindness meditation and here's a longer written description of the meditation.

There's also something called 'Stealth Metta' - which I heard Tara Brach talk about a few days ago in one of her podcasts.  This is where you use opportunities during the day to secretly send lovingkindness to people. You might spend two minutes while waiting at a traffic light to send lovingkindness to other drivers around you: 'May you be safe, may you be peaceful.' Or waiting in a doctor's surgery you could send the thought, 'May we be well, may we be happy,' to everyone in the waiting room.  If you're lying in bed listening to the radio you could send out feelings of lovingkindness to every talkback caller.

Like all meditation practice, a routine can be helpful. I had a practice for a while that involved sending feelings of lovingkindness to anyone I handed money to.  So, whenever I was in a shop and paying for something, I'd think, 'May you be happy,' as I handed the money over.  It can also help to visualise that person being happy while you say the words.  That seems to help connect the words to the feeling you're trying to cultivate.

If you're doing this type of practice and find yourself thinking, 'Actually, I don't really care that much about you. Why do I care whether you're happy or not?' - don't worry!  Noticing who we care about, and who we don't care about, is all part of the practice.  Just let feelings of ambivalence, or even dislike, be there as you keep going  with the practice. If you judge yourself for not feeling enough lovingkindness, just try to notice those judgements, but don't buy into them - this is also just part of the meditation.  Slowly, your metta muscle will build up.

If you have any other 'stealth metta' ideas, please let me know - I love to get your comments.

Sharon Salzberg - retreat podcasts

I've come across some podcasts of a day-long retreat with Sharon Salzberg.  

Sharon's a Buddhist meditation teacher and I really love to hear her talks becuase she sounds so down-to-earth.  I don't get the idea she's floating around on some spiritual cloud ten miles above the rest of us poor sods -  she just seems like regular folk.

Sharon has a particular interest in vipassana (insight) meditation, and Loving Kindness (metta) meditation, and leads retreats and workshops around the world. I was thrilled to see that the Insight Meditation Community of Washington's website has the audio of a day-long workshop that Sharon led in Febuary 2009. The workshop was titled "Working with Your Enemies: Finding Freedom from Hostility and Fear."

The audio includes Sharon leading a Loving Kindness meditation, a balance meditation, and doing question and answer sessions with participants. I've been listening to it over and over again over the last few days, and have really enjoyed it.  

 May you be happy :)

Simple breath meditation

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At the moment I'm beginning every day with around an hour of meditation. I usually do this in bed, as soon as I wake up. I just lie in bed doing it, because I have difficulties sitting up.

I have a general structure to the meditation, and usually starting off just focusing on my breath. I have a practice where I count my breaths one to five, then start again and count them one to six, then one to seven...etc until I'm counting one to ten. Then I start over again counting one to five.

I can't remember where I first read about this particular technique, but it works well for me because it keeps me focused. I usually do this technique for 10 minutes or so, just to get myself settled.

Lately, to introduce some 'loving kindness' techniques into my meditation, I've also been focusing on the gentle, soft, aspects of the breath. I concentrate on the breath, and say 'gentle breath in,' or 'soft breath out.' While I'm doing this I start to soften into the breath and really start to feel the gentleness and softness of the breath as it flows in and out. The words I'm saying in my mind slowly move from being just abstract constructs, into being real feelings. It's as though repeating the words 'gentle,' 'soft' or 'kind' in my mind, and connecting them with my breath actually starts to 'grow' these feelings in my body.

Sometimes I feel colors, or even shapes associated with the softness of the breath. This morning I had a strong image of a baby pink color, which represents a very childlike softness to me. I just allowed myself to breath this soft color in and out. Sometimes I have images of a very soft pillow, and I feel the breath rising and falling on top of this pillow.

Sometimes I find I have very little emotion when I do this meditation, sometimes just snatches of emotions, and sometimes I find I have tears rolling down my face as I really feel the softness of the breath. Sometimes I notice really strong judgements about focusing on gentleness or kindness. My mind says things like, 'this is so stupid! It's embarrassing! You're just being self-absorbed and weak!' I'm slowly learning just to notice these thoughts and allow them to be, without paying much attention to them.

To summarise this meditation idea, it is...

Counting the breaths - 1 to 5, 1 to 6 .... until 1 to 10, then starting over. I do this two or three times.

Softly repeating 'gentle breath in' 'soft breath out' and allowing colors or shapes or gentle images to arise (or nothing to arise!) as I keep focusing on the breath.