I’ve signed up for a daily ‘Peace Quote’ from a group called Living Compassion. Every evening at around 8pm, a quote about meditation, mindfulness or peace drops into my in-box.
Tonight’s quote:
Barn's burned down, now I can see the moon. - Masahide
Usually I slide my Peace Quotes over into a little folder and save them. Tonight, with a flash of irritation, I immediately hit ‘delete.’
A few seconds later I paused. I thought of the quote again – ‘barn’s burned down, now I can see the moon.’ What did it mean? Why did I delete it?
Well, I thought the meaning was fairly obvious. The guy was saying that everything material, everything he thought he needed and had built around him – had gone, and now he could...what? Hear the birds singing in the trees? Feel the breeze on his face? See the flippin’ moon?
I started noting and naming my emotions. ‘I feel angry. I feel frustrated.’ Then it became clear, I felt pissed off and guilty. My barn had burnt down; my health had gone, fallen away around me leaving me exposed to the world. There is no job, no husband, no child - just me.
And, can I see the moon? Do I pay extra attention to the kookaburra in the tree outside my window? No. I just feel angry and sad at what I’ve lost – and guilty that I can’t report that I’m a ‘better person’ because of it.
I sense that as a sick person I am somehow meant to find delight in the birds, or the way the sun makes dappled patterns on the wall. I feel an enormous obligation to report that, ‘I’m not well...but I appreciate the littlest things so much more because of this!’ I feel pressure to have ‘learnt’ from my situation.
And that’s why I felt frustration and anger at the quote. I am not here to be inspiring to well people. I am here, for the moment, to be angry and sad that I am sick. Tonight, I cannot see the moon. I am, like Woody Allen, ‘At two with nature.’
Me being 'at two' with nature in a mountain
village near the Thai/Burma border.
(The photo below shows the huts where I was staying.)
