Saying ‘yes’ to the despair, the anger, and the physical pain isn’t cutting through. I still feel totally wedded to the suffering. Lying in bed, just practicing awareness of what's happening, I start repeating a more complicated form of ‘yes’ –
‘I don’t ask of myself that I feel anything different to what I feel in this moment.’
It's working for me because as I say it I realise that the subtext of every moment I experience is – ‘I ask of myself that I feel this differently.’ I'm aware that I'm constantly wrestling with the moment, trying to force it to be different than it is.
So, during the day I repeat my mantra:
Sadness
‘I don’t ask of myself that I feel anything different to what I feel in this moment.’
A sense of helpless running through my bones.
‘I don’t ask of myself that I sense anything different to what I sense in this moment.’
‘I hate this pain!’
‘I don’t ask of myself that I think anything different to what I think in this moment.’
Just moment after moment, thought after thought, sensation after sensation. And my response is, ‘I don’t demand of myself that I change it.’
Finally, in the evening, I am standing at the bathroom sink brushing my teeth. I’m being mindful of the way the brush feels against my teeth and I become aware of a feeling. What is it? It’s tiredness and heaviness.
‘I don’t ask of myself that I sense anything different to what I sense in this moment.’
Suddenly, amazingly, I feel a sense of warmth and relaxation. Tears well up in my eyes and a voice rises up in my mind – ‘this is what I’ve been waiting to hear all my life’.
I realise in a flash that all my striving, my studying, my piano practice, my trying to be a good meditator, good daughter, good person...all of this was done with the aim of feeling what I feel in this moment. I feel acceptance. It is what I have been striving for my whole life. And I have just given it to myself.
It's a sweet feeling.
Such a beautiful post, Emma. Your honesty is so moving -- taking us on this journey with you from pain to acceptance. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThanks Toni :) I'm counting down the days until I get your book - I can't wait!
ReplyDeleteHi, Emma -
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by my blog and taking the time to comment. I hope you'll be a frequent visitor. I'm adding your blog to my following list. I really enjoyed the posts I read this morning. You have a beautiful writing style, and I'm a big fan of Toni's book and just learning about Buddhism (but discovering its tenets are often the same as what I've thought for years).
Hope you're feeling better today than you were when you wrote this post.
Sue